Got a toothbrush?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
