Will you blow on my dice?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
