actually, I'm a sock model
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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