someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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