I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
third nipple confirmed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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