My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
