We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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