we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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