I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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