I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
