i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
