just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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