I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize