I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
