you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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