I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
