now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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