I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
