Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Damn victory sex feels great
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
