Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
