he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
