respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
