My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
this is an emotional support booty call
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize