I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
