I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
