Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize