She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize