does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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