Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
