Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
