P.S. I can't hear my feet
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
