Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
