I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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