this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize