how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You left your phone here
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