Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
