Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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