The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
