pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
