I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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