I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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