I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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