I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
