I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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