i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My bed smells like the plague
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