i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
