Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
