Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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