just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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