he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
