Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
