Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
It's Friday. Sex?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
