So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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