It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
