That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
