franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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