I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
