A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
