i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
