If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
