just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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