So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
